It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Personal question. #JustSaying
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.