It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive