it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Monica just destroyed the internet
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming