it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My dad.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS