It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.