“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me