*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.