A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.