@KatieBurnett: Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@DaddyJew: I haven't talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of '06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.

@Parentpains: Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@Reverend_Scott: THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP "No" WE WON'T ASK AGAIN "No" Ok guys, let's go. We can't ask again

@TheHyyyype: [paying at chipotle] ME: i got a burrito CLERK: that'll be ten dollars ME: with guac CLERK: that'll be ten thousand dollars