“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If only.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.