Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

[During sex]

*Knock on the door*

Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend

Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?

Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!

Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…

Woman: What?

Man: Karen, I’m your husband!

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up