saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
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Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.