@rickygervais: It seems to be true, particularly in middle America, that those most militant about using up fossil fuels, don't actually believe in fossils
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@nbadag: PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it's very distracting ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don't think he said that
@OuterJohn: When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
@weinerdog4life: Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
@JasonCarney31: Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in "Damn it, c'mon, not again!" he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge