Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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any last words?
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.