@hazelmotes1: It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.
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@murrman5: [having daughter's new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner] so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
@LeonEarlgrey: Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping? Cop2: should we go help? Cop1: No it's ok he woke up. This fall on CBS "Good Cop, Dad Cop"
@CatherineLMK: How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
@DadInUtah: 6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don't worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?