It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!