@ChipKellysBalls: It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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@llvvzz: You're psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.
@MarfSalvador: [Party] Her: *Nervous* I don't know anybody Him: It's ok I'll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
@MarfSalvador: My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
@Brampersandon_: [soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!