It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?