@Maui_Speaks: It should be illegal to play a police siren on the radio. Signed, my pants.
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@junejuly12: It's not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
@TheNardvark: She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year