I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I feel attacked.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.