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@maxontweet: It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad*
"I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"
@Sarcasticsapien: Congratulations, "journalists" who tell celebrity gossip for a living. I didn't know you could get a degree in teenage girl.
@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
@Deirdreocx: If you're ovulating and have sex standing up...
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend