“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
You Might Also Like
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…