“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Baller is short for ballerina
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat