It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
PLEASE READ
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.