It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.