It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.