@TheWoodenslurpy: It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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@TheAlexNevil: By "ancient ruins of a once great civilization"-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.
@david8hughes: [assembling baby's cot] Wife: take that bit off Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
@PJTLynch: “Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth” “A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth” -Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
@chrissyteigen: I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I'm murdered because I don't want him to remarry #truelove #tips