It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
You Might Also Like
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
BaD BoY!!
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
March 16
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!