It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something