Why is no one talking about this?!
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a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
forgive me baja for i have blast
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.