it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
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Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
The only good comments section online is on recipes
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”