it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body