Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone