My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Hank is one in a melon.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.