Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
You Might Also Like
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.