It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I’m aging like a fine banana
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
For the baby who has everything
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that