My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
You Might Also Like
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT