@jimmy_sharpe: It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
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@Sassafrantz: [stops during sex] If you spin my fanny pack around, there's sandwiches in there. Help yourself.
@FSUSteve: Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
@thatcarlygirl: New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.