It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
A double negative is a big no-no.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Twitter is an abusement park.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix