It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The best plant holders?
Erm…
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.