It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
emergency phone
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.