Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
*updates tinder bio*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I can’t deal with men any longer
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”