If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My brain is a bad influence on me
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.