We’ve all been there…
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Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.