It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
How about daylight saves us for once
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.