@SardonicTart: It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
@withanewname: It's like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
@david8hughes: [under heavy sniper fire] Platoon leader: where's that sniper fire coming from? Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it