Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Okey dokey.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry