@better_off_dad: It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
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@KeithAshers: Hi, I'm here to see the doctor. -me Witch doctor? -reception Nooo...I think he's Jewish. -me [blank stare] Please sit down.
@TheTweetOfGod: Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
@thepunningman: [superhero meeting] "What's your enemy called?" "Dr Doom. Yours?" "Joker" [stifles laughter] "I HAVE OTHERS" "Ye-" "Penguin" [just loses it]
@FrizerkaSandra: There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else's coffee machine.