@o__0Dev: It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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@slaughthie: My coworker was like "I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
@MatCro: [Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
@Thynebear: Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.