It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.