It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
You Might Also Like
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
meanwhile over on facebook
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.