It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet