@djdarrellripley: It turns out condoms aren't 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet...
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@MattElGato: Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
@JimmerThatisAll: If you're angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it's not me please add "Not you Jim." at the end. Thank you.
@jazmasta: [first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"
@hippieswordfish: ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911 ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?