@djdarrellripley: It turns out condoms aren't 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet...
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@seanscrap: Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.
@PetrickSara: This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days. KID FREE for DAYS! So I licked her face.
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" I make poor decisions "Can you explain?" Sure, but let's do some shots first