@djdarrellripley: It turns out condoms aren't 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet...
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@sad_tree: [After Big Jewel Heist] "We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan" ME(holding my grappling hook I didn't get to use): Yea it was ok
@shannonlaynee: captions that need to die: "so i did a thing" "today was ok" --a photo of a situation that is clearly more than ok "he's alright I guess"
@mistakentweets: Texting...because men didn't have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.
@atanya1111: At age 40 you gain the capacity to fall totally chemically head over heels in love with a refrigerator.