It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
You Might Also Like
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
birds and squirrels envy us
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.