It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Me checking my bank balance online.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”