MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.